Finish!

Note for the folks at home (in Kenya): Thank you all for a truly incredible two years. I couldn't have expected the massive amount of things I'd learn and see and do. It's hard to describe what the last two years mean to me, (and I'm better at drawing funny frowny faces than writing words, anyway,) so I'll just say: it's been amazing.

Note for the folks at home (in the U.S.): Thanks for reading! See you soon.

Stop

Note for the folks at home: The Kirisia Craftsmanship Club is the club I run at the school where I work, Kirisia Boys' High School. The forty Craftsmen (as the club's members are known) meet three days a week to learn practical craftsmanship skills (like painting, carpentry, and masonry) from the school handyman ("fundi") and then practice these skills by repairing and improving the school compound. The students are repaid for their labor by reductions in their school fee debt by the school administration.

Particular Stumbling Block

Note for the folks at home: One of my favorite jokes heard in Kenya came from my good friend Abdi. First, some background information: Idi Amin was a violent dictator who held power in Uganda in the seventies. Known today for his extravagant self-image and less than extravagant intelligence, this is the tyrant who gave himself the actual title: "Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular". NOW FOR THE JOKE: As Idi Amin was wresting power for himself in Uganda, foreign residents began flooding out of the country for their own safety. In their wake, they left thousands of offices empty. Amin strolled through one of his freshly-emptied cities, and angrily asked one of his aides, "Who the hell is this Sal-e, and how is he so wealthy?!" The aide asked for clarification, and Amin replied, "All of these businesses have signs that say 'For Sal-e'! We have to find this Sal-e and kill him!"

(rimshot)

Is It True

Note for the folks at home: Among my students, there is a curiously popular belief about American celebrities. Without a hint of humor, several students have asked me about The Illuminati, a secret brotherhood of devil-worshipers that rule American pop culture from the shadows. Jay-Z and Beyonce, the leaders of the dark organization, have made sinister dealings with the devil to gain their worldly fame and fortune. According to my students, few celebrities escape allegations of association with The Illuminati, and the more famous a celebrity, (logically,) the deeper he or she is involved. Other members include Lil' Wayne, Lady Gaga, most professional football (translation for American readers: "soccer") players, and even Mr. Barack Obama himself. The only people who are safe from accusations of Illuminati dealings, in fact, are those that have been "killed by the Illuminati"... which, as far as I can tell, are pretty much any celebrity who has died, including Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe, Bob Marley, and Ghandi. (That last one is not a joke.) I haven't been able to make any progress disproving these claims.

Hair Grow

Note for the folks at home: Christianity is the most popular religion in rural Maralal (and probably Kenya in general). Churches range in size from massive stone halls that can easily hold a thousand worshipers to ramshackle timber-and-sheet-metal huts that would feel cramped at ten. Singing is a big part of most church services, with lyrics in English, Kiswahili, and many tribal mother tongues. If a church has access to electricity, a common tactic is to hook up a synthesizer to a loudspeaker and blast a looping chord progression and drum-machine at the maximum volume to keep time. The booming sound system can be heard across town, so on busy Sundays you might find yourself inundated with a cacophony of several churches' contributions. Jesus is often called "Jesu" (pronounced "YAY-soo"), where God (or maybe Jesus...? Honestly, I'm not sure) is sometimes referred to as "Baba" ("father") or "Bwana" ("mister").

Enjoy the Varied Fragrances of Rural Kenya

Note for the folks at home: In some areas of Kenya, a traditional mode of tooth care involves brushing with the stick of a certain fibrous tree (which may be called "Salvadora persica"... if you're willing to trust sources as malevolently unsubstantiated as Wikipedia). Narrow branches are picked from the upper reaches of the tree, and the bark is removed to expose the inner fibers. The practice is still common today, notably among the Samburu people (who populate the region around Maralal). In some cases, the traditional practice is given a modern twist when toothpaste is smeared on the Salvadora stick before usage. The stick does leave the mouth feeling clean, but how it compares to the alternative "toothbrush-and-toothpaste" method, I'm not sure.

First Name

Note for the folks at home: Outside of the Samburu culture, many Kenyan tribes have stricter rules on the naming of children. The Kikuyu system is the most common: the first-born male and first-born female must be named for the fathers' father and mother, whereas the second-born male and second-born female are named for the mothers' parents. (Two baby boys in a row, then, represent both sides of the family tree, despite no girls being born yet.) From that point on, each subsequent male child alternates between a fathers'-side relative and a mothers'-side relative, and each subsequent female child follows the same rule. Members of the extended family who desire a name-sake, I'm told, may coax a couple into continuing to reproduce, until their turn comes. (This is one rationalization I've heard for the traditionally large sizes of Kenyan families.)

"Fist Bump"

Note for the folks at home: If you are a foreigner walking through rural Kenya, expect one of three responses from local children: 1.) A group may urgently scream "HA-WA-YU!" at you from great distances, then run to your side to greet you with a handshake. 2.) [More common] "Give me candy!" "Give me five shillings!" 3.) [Most common among the very young] Bursting into tears and fleeing for safety.
... or, maybe I'm just a particularly scary-looking white dude.

I Thought He Was

Note for the folks at home: International communication from Kenya has become easier in recent years. Currently, all of the major mobile phone networks in Kenya (Safaricom, Orange, Airtel, and Yu) allow callers to reach international numbers, usually at an average of 3 shillings ($0.04) per minute. I've been told that, only a matter of years ago, this price was 10 shillings ($0.12) per minute or more. Most mobile phone users in Kenya (myself included) prefer the scratch card method, something Americans would call "pay-as-you-go". After a mobile phone number is purchased (via SIM card), an account must be "topped up" by purchasing credit on disposable scratch cards. These cards, available in shops even in deeply rural areas, have a unique sixteen-digit number that grants its owner an amount of credit (in shillings). As far as I can tell, very few Kenyans (if any) use a pre-paid service plan. The only downfall to the scratch card method is the staggering amount of used scratch card trash strewn about every town in Kenya.

The Monopoly Man Story

One year of malhappenings! Thanks to everyone who's been reading along the way.

Note for the folks at home: True Story started as (and still is) a vehicle to tell my family and friends strange things that have happened to me in Kenya. I would also like to think that it's fulfilling the "Third Goal" of the US Peace Corps: "To help promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans". Originally, I drew True Story on white sketch paper with a fine tip Uni-Ball "Vision" pen. Then I would scan the inked comic (using a fellow volunteer's scanner) and edit using GIMP on a computer at the school where I work. Here I would add the two shades of grey, and later the shadowing. Over the year, the process has been refined. Now I draw the comics directly into Photoshop using a Lenovo tablet laptop. This saves time, but took some getting used to. (Note the awkward handwriting in my first tablet-drawn comic as evidence of the learning curve.) All of the comics are hosted on Flickr, and the clog on Blogspot.

September

Note for the folks at home: A regular US Peace Corps Volunteer service is two years long (plus two or three months of training.) A volunteer can additionally apply to "extend" their service for a third year, though not all extensions are granted. Volunteer entrance rates vary greatly country-to-country, but in Kenya, new groups of volunteers enter the country twice per year, replacing two "graduating" groups of volunteers. Currently, Peace Corps Kenya supports volunteers in three categories: Education, Public Health, and Small Enterprise Development. In September, 2010, I supposed I might be building houses for villagers in a remote settlement in the middle of a jungle as a Peace Corps volunteer. By September, 2012, I have built a total of zero houses, and consider my pre-departure ignorance of Kenya humorous and embarrassing.

"Passing the Disk"

Note for the folks at home: For most Kenyans, English is their third language, and Kiswahili is their second. Their first language is their "mother tongue", also called their "tribal language" or "vernacular". There are over 40 different ethnic tribes across Kenya, each with its own mother tongue, and several mother tongues have entirely distinct dialects by region. Some of the tribal languages represented in the Maralal area are Samburu ("Serian! Kesupat!"), Kikuyu ("Ohoro wako? Kwega fio."), and Turkana ("Ejoko? Ejok'!"), among many others. Naturally, such a mishmash of languages causes general confusion, so a common language is required to allow mutual understanding. Kiswahili is the usual choice, but modern schools have been tasked by the government to push English in schools. To this end, all classes (besides Kiswahili class) are taught in English, and the speaking of mother tongues within school is to be discouraged with stiff punishment. The threat of punishment seems to be the extent of this last point --- very rarely is the protocol enforced, as even the teachers find themselves slipping into vernacular now and again.

Get Him To Call

Note for the folks at home: Due to the way English is pronounced in Kenya, mobile phone text messages among Kenyans are populated by a unique brand of shorthand. For instance: "are" = "a", "your" = "ua", "nice time" = "nyc tym". "For", "to", and "too" are all given their numerical equivalents, and, as per the particular grammatical tradition of Kiswahili, subjects are dropped ("Am cming 2 town"). Despite this seemingly informal nature, text messages are still held to the same standards of politeness as person-to-person communication: greetings ("gd mrning", "hw r u?") are always required, and formal titles ("mr principal") should be recognized.

This Signal

Note for the folks at home: By "Touristy Parts", I mean the port city of Mombasa, some parts of the capitol Nairobi, and anywhere close to a game park (like the massive Maasai Mara). Tourism is undeniably one of Kenya's largest industries. In some areas, tourists greatly outnumber local people. A few consequences of this are immediately apparent: i) White people have a nation-wide reputation for being rich, often lost, and constantly in need of a ride somewhere. ii) Young children often assume foreigners have pockets full of candy, which they plan to distribute at the first half-English request. (I'm not sure how this one came about. I'm assuming some early tourist had the great idea of packing a few bags of Werther's Originals, to win the hearts of the local youth. Whatever this pioneer's reasoning was, I hate him for it and wish only harm to him and his lineage.) iii) "Guides" seem to be one of the most popular jobs across the nation, although how much training goes into the title is another question altogether.

Watch This!

Note for the folks at home: The school where I work is an all-boys' boarding school. Boarding schools make up the majority of secondary ("high") schools in Kenya, (the less-common alternative being "day" schools,) and a great deal of them are single-gender. Schools can be funded by a variety of sources. Public schools, which are at least partially funded by the government, are classified by the size of their region: "district", "provincial", "national", etc. Private schools are, understandable, funded privately, often through a religious organization or charity. From my conversations with teachers, private schools are (in general) optimal for students (who receive the most student-teacher interaction) but dismal for teachers (whose salaries aren't subject to the standards of the government, and could possibly be very low).

Give Me

(They had somehow glued long black fibers, what I suspect were pieces of a discarded weave, to their faces. The result was truly horrifying.)

Note for the folks at home: "Street children" are a daily reality across Kenya, more common in urban than rural areas (but existing throughout.) These kids may have several reasons for living unaccompanied by adults. Many may be orphans, which of course is common due to the several life-threatening diseases of the region (notably: Malaria, HIV/AIDS), but a large number of street children do in fact have parents. These children have left home, in many cases, because of scarcity of food. Several factors may induce this; including drought-borne famine, enormous family sizes, and tribal violence; none of which, of course, are new problems. Many locals point to the westernization of communities that causes families to turn away children, of parents unable to give proper care, who they would otherwise care for as one of their own. Whatever the cause of the children's situation, street children face a hard life that more often than not leads to begging, stealing, and drug use (most notable being the huffing of paste fumes, giving them their second name: "Glue Kids".)

Notoriously Hard

Note for the folks at home: English is pronounced uniquely in Kenya. While the accent tends much more towards British than it does American, (as made obvious in words with that troublesome A, like "commentary" and "hat",) the Kenyan English accent has some characteristics of its own. An R is either unpronounced (as in "are" - spoken "ahh") or pronounced with a touch of the tongue to the roof of the mouth (producing an L or light D sound, as in words like "radio" or "royalty"). (R may even be rolled, although this is more common in some ethnic communities than others --- the Samburu are notable R-rollers.) H is always pronounced (the name of the letter H is even pronounced with one : "haytch"), so "herb" is pronounced just like it's spelled. Due to the influence of the Kiswahili language, vowels are generally pronounced with one standard sound each: A "ah", E "eh", I "ee", O "oh", U "oo". Note lack of "aye", "uh", "ai", "ih", etc.

Guest True Story 4

Note for the folks at home: although they're not indigenous to East Africa, chickens ("kuku") are abundant throughout rural Kenya. The crowing (which should more accurately be described as "screaming") of roosters is the way days begin, and visitors shouldn't be surprised to see herds of fowl darting across the road, peeking hesitantly into shop doorways, or rooting through trash piles. Although the meat of chickens is popular country-wide, it isn't generally considered "meat" (a term which is reserved for the Red variety: cows, goats, sheep, etc.)

So Filthy

Note for the folks at home: Among most Kenyans, cleanliness is of the highest priority. This drive manifests itself in the daily shining of shoes, obsession over removing clothing stains, and an almost neurotic preoccupation with spotting and dealing with even the tiniest marks on accessories (like backpacks.) The observant reader should, indeed, note my disdain for such a lifestyle, but also might correctly infer that the lifestyle I choose is considered dirty and careless by most Kenyans. The perpetual stains ornamenting my trousers are a constant source of stress for my colleagues. Perplexingly, the rural Kenyan reverence of cleanliness often doesn't extend into the olfactory --- the removal of body odors through deodorant, frequent showers, and even toothpaste aren't as common as one would assume. Perfume is becoming more popular, but it's hard to truly believe that fact when trapped in a steamy bus ride with thirteen other passengers for several hours in Kenya.

"ANY ANIMAL!"

Drawing animals for my students is something I've done before.

Note for the folks at home: English is the second or third language of many Kenyans, behind their mother tongue and Kiswahili. Taking this into consideration, Kenyan high schoolers are surprisingly proficient in the language, and all of their classes (besides Kiswahili class) are taught in English. In general, Kenyans speak "British English", including such words as "lorry" (which is a truck), "tuition" (to replace "tutoring"), and "loo" (an outrageously melodic name for a toilet). Misunderstandings between Americans and Kenyans speaking English are common: it took me a month or so to figure out that "smart" means "fashionable", not "intelligent".

A Drawback

Note for the folks at home: The "Kenyan Family" is considerably larger than its American counterpart. From my experience, a Kenyan family isn't considered "big" until the number of children reaches double digits. Furthermore, the prevalence of polygamy in the country (primarily the rural regions) allows the number of half-siblings in a family to reach thirty or forty. Adding to this is the cultural tradition of a family taking in children that can't be cared for by their biological parents. When queried about the maximum number of children in a Kenyan family, colleagues routinely answer, "Hundreds."

Note for my readers in Ukraine: Агов! Ласкаво просимо! ... How did you guys find me?

There's A Hole

Note for the folks at home: One of the first cultural obstacles many Americans hit in Kenya is the Kenyan attitude towards animals. Animal life in Kenya is valued solely for its uses to humans: animals that produce meat or can do labor are really the only ones worth a second thought. Anything smaller than a kitten is generally considered a pest, and this threshold is sometimes raised to bigger beasts, like dogs. While a foreigner may initially be repulsed by the outright cruelty to animals that is so commonplace in Kenya, the underlying argument eventually appears: why should the human species waste time making another species comfortable, when humans themselves are dying all the time? "Animal Rights" starts to look like a pompous pass-time for people fortunate enough to have their own safety and survival guaranteed. That being said, it still bugs me to see stones thrown at poor lil' dogs. Love for canines is a rarity around these parts, and being "the insane white man who thinks dogs are children" is the price I pay for my puppy-loving.

Sam's Birthday

Note for the folks at home: A number of national holidays are recognized in Kenya. Christmas is a big one, although in some areas the celebration of the holiday may seem underwhelming to someone from America or Europe. Valentine's Day, on the other hand, is celebrated with surprising vigor, in my experience. The giving of gifts on Valentine's Day seems to dwarf even Christmas' gift-swappery, even in more remote towns. (I was shocked to hear that all of my colleagues were exchanging gifts on February 14th, and they were equally shocked that I had no gifts for anyone.) Kenya also boasts a number of nation-specific holidays, namely Madaraka ("Responsibility") Day on June 1st, marking the day Kenya achieved full self-rule after colonization; and Jamhuri ("Republic") Day on December 12th, commemorating both the day Kenya became independent of the UK (in 1963) and the day Kenya was established as a republic (in 1964). Both are celebrated with parades, festivals, and of course a day off from work. Finally, October 20th is Mashujaa ("Heroes") Day, honoring the individuals that helped build the Republic of Kenya. Formerly called "Kenyatta Day", after Kenya's first president, the holiday's name was permanently changed for the 2010 celebration (a week after my arrival in the country.)

Need To Shave!

Note for the folks at home: Facial hair preferences in Kenya are about as varied as in America, although the mustache is considerably more popular here, especially among middle-aged men. A full beard is rare, but is more common among Muslim men. In rural Kenya, long head-hair is very rare among males, a half-inch usually being the maximum length. Shaved heads are much more common, even among females, although female head-hair attitudes are widely different tribe-to-tribe. Among many Kenyan females, weaves are preferred over naturally long hair. I am told I look like "an old man" when I let my beard grow out and "a baby" when I shave my head.

Haw Arr Yoo

Things just keep happening to me.

Note for the folks at home: "Father" isn't an uncommon title to be called in rural Kenya, as a Caucasian male. For a few decades following the exit of the colonial British government in the mid-1900s, the only white people to make it out to "the bush" were (nearly) all missionaries. The habit of referring to white males as "Father" (meaning "priest"), it seems, is not one to die quickly. Religion is an integral part of the cultures of rural Kenya, but outsiders might be surprised to hear that Christianity and Islam are, almost universally, the only religions practiced. The historical religious beliefs of Kenyan peoples, even among the most traditional tribes, have long since been adjusted to fit within a Christian or Islamic system.

Guest True Story 3

Note for the folks at home: The Kanga; also known variously as the leso ("lay-so"), kikoi ("kee-koy"), or shuka ("shoo-kah"); is an extremely common garment throughout Kenya. Generally considered the "traditional" counterpart to the more "western" outfit of trousers and shirt, a kanga is a rectangular sheet worn by wrapping around the body of a woman or man. Although a kanga about the waist is often paired with a western-style shirt, kangas can be worn by themselves (in which case several are needed, wrapped around waist, torso, shoulders, etc.) Kangas have numerous uses outside of clothing: baby papoose, blanket, plyable basket, towel, wall hanging, etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum.

Editorial Cartoons

Note for the folks at home: Of all the societal problems decried by Kenyans, corruption is the most popular. The practice of "taking a little off the top", to Kenyans, is simultaneously the most abhorred of crimes as well as a recognizably common practice. It's normally taken for granted by regular citizens that those with the most power --- the politicians --- must be acquiring some wealth through unsavory means. The stain of corruption, however, isn't said to stop there. Regular news reports tell of policemen and policewomen taking bribes from drivers to overlook safety and license checks... indeed, the practice of paying "kitu kidogo" ("something small") to law authorities is common enough to be seen as an everyday occurrence. Asked about the state of corruption back in America, I reasoned that there must be a similar amount as Kenya, it's just hidden more effectively.

Kisamburu Lessons

Note for the folks at home: Kisamburu, which we've already discussed, is the "mother tongue" of the local inhabitants of Maralal, the Samburu people. The language is very unlike the more widespread Kiswahili, simply because Kisamburu and Kiswahili are from completely different linguistic roots --- they were literally brought into the country by two completely different groups. Kiswahili, as it is based partially in Bantu language roots, came to Kenya with the Bantu ethnic group through their great migration from West Africa several thousand years ago. Kisamburu, however, has Nilotic roots. The Nilotes came into Kenya from the North, through Sedan. Another Kenyan tribe of the Nilotic ethnic group is the Maasai. The Maasai people are often considered "cousins" to the Samburu people, as both groups share a great deal of cultural traditions. (They are even often confused in photographs, because the dress of the two peoples can appear so similar. Note: a Samburu man and a Maasai man.)

Vumbi!

Note for the folks at home: The Samburu district, with its semi-arid environment, generally lives up to its "desert" reputation... except during the (sudden, unexpected) rainy seasons. I suppose "unexpected" isn't fair, as it happens every year, but the rainy seasons (a long one from April-August, another short one from October-November) will undoubtedly surprise the newcomer who's accustomed himself to the hot, dry, dusty days of the dry season. Otherwise clear, glaring skies become battlegrounds for armies of raging thunderheads; the scorched, grey sand gives way to treacherous mud swamps; the normally painful direct sunshine is replaced by an equally painful barrage of ice-cold raindrops the size of grapes. Oh, and plants grow and stuff.

Translating

Note for the folks at home: Pastoralism is a common practice (and profession) across rural Kenya. Cattle ("ng'ombe"), sheep ("kondoo"), and goats ("mbuzi") are common throughout the country, with camels ("ngamia") being an additional choice of livestock in the more arid regions. Herded animals are raised for their milk and meat, but it should be noted that they are also an indicator of a person's social standing. "A truly rich man," I've been told, "drives a train of goats one hundred metres long." This norm, however, has its drawbacks: herders are often loath to slaughter any of their precious beasts, considering the food source not worth the loss in socioeconomic appearance.

Note for the folks who have seen me draw a camel before: I'm gettin' better, eh? At least this one doesn't look like a llama.

It's Tea Time!

(Long-time readers may remember this is not the first time my actions have been deemed rude.)

Note for the folks at home: There may not be a national beverage of Kenya, but if there is, it is, beyond any doubt, tea. Tea in Kenya, universally called "chai", has an importance that is hard to put into words. Daily tea breaks are standard: absence of a cup of hot chai around 11 AM (and another at 4 PM, in most cases) would be a breach of basic human rights. Furthermore, Kenyan chai is a specific beverage (that might not be an American's first thought of "tea"): tea leaves steeped in hot milk (or milk that has been BARELY diluted with water,) and then combined with at least three tablespoons of sugar. The result would be called, by Starbucks standards, a "chai tea latte with extra sugar", or by David Burns standards, an "instant headache".

Note for my Kenyan readers: Just kidding. Chai is delicious and perfect in every way.

Joking With Me

Note for the folks at home: I really like birds of prey, and there are all kinds of incredible specimens in Kenya. The most common, the Tawny Eagle, is a majestic light brown eagle that is often visible drifting effortlessly above the hills of Maralal, surveying the land below like the proud monarch of a raptor that it is. Other interesting carnivorous avians of the region include the Secretary Bird, which struts across the plains with predatory swagger, and the Hooded Vulture, a haggard-looking villain with an icy, unblinking stare.

First Week

Note for the folks at home: Kiswahili (usually called "Swahili" outside of East Africa) pervaded Kenya to the point of becoming the national language through its use as a trade language. Traders from the coast historically traveled inland, bringing their coastal language with them; "Swahili", in fact, means "coast-dwellers". Over time, Kiswahili became the common tongue to communicate between different African ethnic groups. Kiswahili is a melting-pot of a language: based on Bantu (a traditional African language root) and Arabic roots, Kiswahili has identifiably Portuguese, German, and English elements (among a slew of borrowed words from a huge number of other languages). As a very syllabic language, Kiswahili can be fun to read and speak. For instance: "kuna kuku marufuku huku" ("KOO-nah KOO-koo mah-roo-FOO-koo HOO-koo") means "there is a chicken prohibition hereabouts".

Translated Literally

Note for the folks at home: The outfits in today's comic point out a noticeable phenomenon among Kenyan locals: heavy coats. Coming from central Illinois, USA, I was astounded upon arriving in Kenya to see anything heavier than a cotton button-down being worn: not surprisingly, equatorial Africa is HOT. At higher elevations, mornings can be cool, but it would be hard to find a populous town anywhere in Kenya where the temperatures don't regularly pass 80 degrees Fahrenheit. I shouldn't, of course, have been surprised; the people who have lived here since who-knows-when would have to adapt to the local temperatures, and so "winter jacket" weather to a Kenyan is often "I'm thinking about taking off the t-shirt, too, and just going bare" weather to an American. This can cause problems when a foreigner shares a vehicle with Kenyans: the choice is either keep the windows closed, effectively baking me into a delicious pot roast, or open a window, immediately giving all the Kenyans pneumonia and frost bite.

Runners

Note for the folks at home: For the first time, I had a surplus of astounding (from an American viewpoint) Kenyan cultural facts for this comic. I literally couldn't fit it all into the space available. So: the wives of night runners are fully aware of what their husbands are doing. The wives, to protect their husbands during the event, must stay at home with one foot touching a cooking stone (where pots are placed during cooking). Failure to do this could (and generally would) result in the runner's injury or death. Night running is neither shameful nor proud --- it's just something that happens, like rain, or a sneeze. A night runner is not dangerous, but might hide in your front yard for a while waiting for you to move in sight of a window, to frighten you.

Every day!

 Note for the folks at home: Kenya's polite culture frowns upon discussing "unsavory" topics openly, so a number of creative euphemisms have become popular. Generally, any reference to heat or fire is alluding to feelings of lust --- "that type of burning", "the inner fire", "the body's hotness". Going to the restroom to take a 'number one' or a 'number two' are called a "short call" or "long call", respectively. (Replacing one euphemism with another! Score!) Talking flagrantly about alcohol is equally taboo. Instead, you might hear about someone's desire to take "a soda", or "one of them", or "solution T" (named for the country's most popular lager, Tusker).

Today's Experiment

Note for the folks at home: The Kenyan educational system is fairly similar to that of many other countries. The system, called "8-4-4", combines eight years of primary school (U.S. "elementary" and "middle school"), four years of secondary school (U.S. "high school"), and four (or more) years of university. In the secondary school level, most of the courses are similar to those taken by U.S. students: Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, English, Geography, Computer Studies, and History. Kenya also has a few unique subjects: Kiswahili, Agriculture, Business Studies, and C.R.E.: "Christian Religious Education". C.R.E. is a nationally examined subject, giving evidence that "separation of church and state" isn't a huge priority in the Kenyan educational system.

A Blessing

Note for the folks at home: as it's been explained to me, the custom of spitting into another's palm to give one's blessing is born out of the fact that, in the semi-arid Samburu region of Kenya, water is a very valuable resource. Sharing one's bodily water (through saliva) is a means of demonstrating the spittee's worth in the eyes of the spitter. Further: the proper way to receive this gesture is to wipe the donated saliva into one's hair. Luckily, a foreigner isn't held to cultural norms as rigorously as a local, so I haven't yet been forced into applying bodily-fluid-shampoo.

Guest True Story 2

Note for the folks at home: a great deal of tribes throughout Kenya are historically pastoralists, living nomadically and raising herds of cow, goats, or sheep. While this practice isn't possible in the big cities, rural areas still see a lot of free-range livestock traffic. It's not rare to see a cow walking down a rural town road, eating garbage, dodging the occasional passerby on motorbike, or a family of goats hanging out on a school compound, the bravest ones coming right up to the classrooms to scream (the way goats do) into the open doors. Furthermore: chickens. Chickens everywhere.

The Funny Joke Zone

Note for the folks at home: The political situation in Kenya is consistently a heated topic of debate among Kenyans. Since becoming and independent republic in 1964, Kenya has endured a grand total of zero political movements that lacked widespread argument. First, Jomo Kenyatta led a single-party system and in 1978 was succeeded by his Vice President, Daniel arap Moi. Along with (from what I can tell) every other leader to ever hold power in Kenya, Moi was accused of unjust tribal favoritism ("tribalism") throughout his career as President. Eventually, Kenya developed a constitution that banned Moi from serving indefinitely, and Moi was no longer eligible in the 2002 elections. Next came Mwai Kibaki, who, as current President, is close to the end of his two-term, ten-year service. In 2007, during the election that resulted in Kibaki's second term, allegations of corruption in the voting mechanism led to the 2007 post-election violence. Over 1000 people all over Kenya died in riots and violent unrest. Since then, Kenya's effort to put to justice those responsible for the violence has just recently started to show results: four prominent Kenyan political figures have been sent to the International Criminal Court in The Hague to decide their fates. Also, this is an election year for Kenya, and since Kibaki can't be re-elected, you can imagine how it's all anyone can talk about. Kind of reminds me of another election-year-country...

tl;dr: Kenyans like to talk about politics.

How I Look

Note for the folks at home: Many native Kenyans have a skewed view of what all white people ("wazungu") are like, and it's no surprise. For a great deal of people living in rural Kenya, the only white people available for study are those on television and any tourists that might pass through. TV Wazungu, and you can check to see this for yourself, are by and large rich music/movie stars, politicians, or contestants on Extreme Couponing (is that a real show?! ... I've been in Kenya a while). Similarly, Tourist Wazungu are rich enough to holiday in Kenya, and entirely unaccustomed to the heat, stress, amount of walking, etc. of African life --- hence the "baby" stereotype.

And no, I wasn't pulling off the mustache.

Note for the folks in Kenya: drawing the "rich man" version of myself reminds me of a Monopoly Man story...

Hi!

Note for the folks at home: Greetings in Kenya are an important social mechanism. Copious "how are you?" questions are necessary: "How is your day?" "How are your children?" "What type of day are you having?" "How is work?" "Which news do you have?" "Are you well?" Fortunately, all of these questions can and must be answered with some version of: "Fine." What might be considered Small Talk in America is a large portion of all communication in Kenya. Additionally, handshakes are required. Because hugs are almost completely absent, handshakes, as the only form of person-to-person physical contact available to Kenyans, have the potential to be long, drawn-out affairs, more akin to prolonged hand-holding in the eyes of a foreigner.

Guest True Story

Note for the folks at home: While beef, pork, and chicken exist all over Kenya, the most popular meat among Kenyans is goat. Goat is consumed boiled, fried, or, most commonly, roasted over an open fire ("choma"). Every part of the goat that isn't unavoidably poisonous is consumed joyously: the meat is pulled out of every conceivable nook (including hidden within the hooves), the kidneys, liver, "stomachs" (intestines), and testicles aren't safe from hungry humans, and even the severed head is steeped in boiling water to form "soup". Admittedly, goat meat is rather tasty --- a softer, slightly more pungent meat than beef, with a distinct aftertaste. Maybe a little like what a cow/pig hybrid would taste like.

"Whistle"

Note for the folks at home: Football (also known as "soccer" or "that kicking game") is, without doubt, the most popular sport in Kenya. Other sports exist; like rugby, volleyball, badminton, handball, netball, and basketball; but they are generally considered warm-up acts to The Game Of Games. Kenya boasts its own national football league, the Kenyan Premier League, which currently hosts sixteen teams from all over the nation (although, admittedly, most are based in the capital city, Nairobi). Despite this, few Kenyans follow the Kenyan Premier League, opting instead for English Premier League games. Many English clubs have a strong following in Kenya, including Manchester United, Chelsea, and Arsenal. To a Kenyan, American football seems like an outrageous and comical sport, if they have heard of it at all.

You're An Idiot, White Man!

Note for the folks at home: Thorny cacti are the dominant life form of Maralal, in the semi-arid Samburu district of Kenya. Humans seem to be an afterthought, sprinkled in and around the bustling cactus metropolises. Growing thorns, in fact, seems to be the common adaptation among all the local plant life. Even the most innocent-looking baby bushes are riddled with sharp prongs just waiting to get lodged in the body of an unaware passer-by. The phrase "every rose has its thorn" holds little significance to a local, who would be surprised to find any flower without barbs.

Dangerous

Note for the folks at home: I am 100% certain this is not what really happened to my imaginative storyteller of a student. He was not shot to death with an AK-47. His story is neither an accurate representation of people of the Somali ethnic group nor a truthful generalization of females in general. Furthermore, the full-length buibui attire is worn by a small subsection of the Muslim subsection of the Somali population, not all Somali females. THAT BEING SAID, my student's tall tale illustrates the fact that tribal differences are still recognized among modern Kenyans. Despite over 40 distinct ethnic "tribes" existing simultaneously across Kenya, tribal stereotypes are still very common. One tribe may be called lazy, another greedy, and another womanizing; most surprising of all, these stereotypes are even propagated inside a Kenyan's OWN tribe.
And for the record, the Kenyan stereotype for whites is that they are rich, wholly unable to do any degree of physical labor, and will reward children with candy for screaming, "HAWAYU?!"

New House

Note for the folks at home: English, the third (or fourth) language of many Kenyans, has evolved in the country into something truly unique. Kenyan English is as distinct, it seems, as American English ("y'all want some grits?") or British English ("rip pop the pippins, slaggar, my dumples have rimpendimpled."). In addition to mild alterations of common English phrases ("How do you love it?", "How do you advice my new shirt?"), Kenyan English has a few confusing elements of its very own, including: ending any sentence with "...isn't it?", gratuitous addition of the words "just" and "even" ("Even you, you will just assist me with a pencil."), and, most puzzling, the replacement of the word "What?" with "Yes."